Guardians of The Galaxy
Here's a late night post (when my ass is obviously supposed to be sleeping plus im having a headache:( However I decided to blog because I really felt like it.
Today I realized two things:
1. I would rather hear the most hurtful truth then a beautifully-dressed lie
2. I trust people too easily and too much. I'm too naive and trusting of the people I care about. Which is sad, because I never doubt people once I trust them. I never learn do I? Sometimes I think its just really sad that I have to actually force myself to be wary of others. Its my nature to trust that people are good, but the truth is that many aren't and they're definitely not worthy of my trust.
3. Guardians Of The Galaxy is really funny! Haha this is totally off topic I know, but I really enjoyed watching it. Thanks to Dexter who watched it with me a second time haha if you're reading this I still feel bad about it..but really glad I got to watch it because it was a great movie. (:
Alright! Going to catch some sleep with Joy Baobao now haha. Exhaustion has sunk in..Goodnight world.
(I miss you even though I know I shouldn't and its obviously bad for me. I suck at making decisions lol I should stop this caring too much shit. Sucks like hell)
Back to Blogging!
Hello blog!
I've decided to start blogging again, since I have a little more free time these days and much more to say. For the previous year (Has it really been a year? It sure feels like it.) i stopped blogging because I felt that there was no point of blogging when I had nothing much to blog about except my daily routine.
I was also worried that I would make myself seem like an overly emotional, distraught person because most of the time I blog when I'm unhappy with life and I treat my blog like a journal. But I've decided to start blogging again because I have realized that it doesn't really matter what impression I give off to others. I know myself, and that's more than enough. (:
Honestly, life has changed drastically since I last blogged. I left poly in year two to join SIM because of how emotionally distressed I was at that period of time. Honestly, do I regret my decision? To a certain extent, yes. I wish that I had stayed on to complete my third year because if I had, I would have had the chance to get into a better university, a chance that I no longer have and will not have now as I've made a choice and chosen to study Psychology in SIM.
I regret that I couldn't keep my emotions in check at that time, but at the same time I know that if I hadn't left, I would not have been able to tolerate the stress I was facing at that time. It was one of the darkest periods of life then as I had just been diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety disorder. It was really hard for me to accept myself and my life back then. I was still with R then, and we continued to stay together till our break up in February this year. It was a event in my life that traumatized me a lot, because I lost the man I loved and at the same time, my best friend of (almost) the two years that we had been together.
I haven't told many people this, and I know people are going to judge me after I say this here, but I was admitted into Mount Elizabeth Hospital after R and I broke up because I was suicidal and wanted to kill myself. I refused to eat, drink or do anything. Basically, I wasn't behaving normally. That was the period of time when my anxiety and depression was at its worst in my life. I stayed in the hospital for a week. I remember, that all I could think of at that point time was that I was to blame for the break up. I couldn't forgive myself for hurting R and it hurt me to hurt someone I loved.
After I left the hospital, I went through a period of time when I basically dated people I didn't know well. I thought that was a way to help myself forget R and run away from my own pain.
Eventually, I met KC. He was the total opposite from everything R had been and when I first met him, I had to admit that I was drawn to him, even though I didn't know it at that time. He was the toughest, yet sweetest guy I had ever met. We got together officially after about a month of knowing each other. He made me forget the hurt of the relationship I had with R, but I genuinely loved him when we were together. I loved him because of his character, his quirks and the way he treated me, sending me home back and forth even when he was exhausted.
My love for him grew each day that we together because he made me feel safe and secure that I was in a relationship with someone that was mature enough to want to communicate with me. He was constantly telling me that things would work out and trying to work out any arguments we had. When I looked at him, it was different from the way I loved R, but till this day I know I did not love KC any less at all.
People will judge me for this, I know, but honestly, I can say that you can have loved someone with all your heart, but when you meet someone else who captures your heart and you know that the previous relationship is definitely over, you will let go and you will be capable of loving this new person. Sadly, the relationship ended recently in July this year due to differences between us, and he didn't want to try anymore. I don't blame him for walking away, though I am hurt by what happened.
After all these that has happened, between me and R, me and KC, and my own problems along the way with school work and exams, dealing with my depression, which has been less severe but it has not left me since I was diagnosed back when I was in poly, things have been hard.
However, there still have been many lovely and good times despite all these that have happened, for example, I was able to continue dancing even through the hardest times of my life. I have also drawn strength from my family and from my dog Joy BAOBAO (who is always my adorable baby!).
I think I have learnt and grown a lot as a person through all these things that have happened. I won't deny that since the breakup with KC recently I haven't gone through times that I have just wanted to call him or text him to tell him that I miss him, but I know that doing that is simply pointless, because what I learnt from the ending of my relationship with R was that I truly wanted someone who would love me despite all my flaws, my ugly side and my ups and downs that I face with depression and trauma from the past. I realized that no matter how much I love someone, as long as they cannot accept me and love me for who I am, the relationship will not last and I will not be happy. That is what I try to remind myself these days on the painful nights when every memory seems to come back to me.
I've learnt to accept that some things can never change. I will never be able to go back in time, and undo what I did when I hurt R, and when he hurt me, and what KC and I went through together. Through all these, I have learnt that life goes on whether we like it or not and whether or not I have depression or anxiety, or both, I have to face life day by day and accept it for what it is.
I think I may not be as innocent as I was when I last blogged here, but I think I've learnt a lot. Sure, I have a lot of scars from being hurt, but I think I'm still proud of myself for being able to learn through these things that have happened and not letting them make me a bad person.
No matter how distressed I am, I always remember that I am a person, like any other person, unique in my own way, who deserves to be loved. I have never felt the need to destroy others even if they have hurt me. For that, I'm glad. I'm glad that I have not let my hurt destroy me entirely and turn me into someone I'm completely not.
We always have to keep moving in life to keep our balance. I think that's something I'm still trying to learn. I'm stronger now though, and I plan to keep it that way.
Pain forces us to learn and grow. That's the one thing we get out of it, and we learn not to repeat our mistakes as much as we can. I hope that I can continue to grow in the years to come and that one day, I will be completely free of depression and I will be the best version of myself, that I hope to be.
Blog again soon!
Cy
As the thunder starts to crash
Trying to keep the lights from going out, and the clouds from ripping out my broken heart. Letter to myself
A letter: From me to me.
Hi everyone! I read a classmate's blog the other day and she gave me a great idea of what to write on this blog (I ran out of ideas ages ago). So today I'll write a letter to myself, my 25 year-old self, and maybe I'll actually get the chance to read it 7 years down the road.
So here goes.
(A letter: From me to me.)
Dear Chuan Ying,
You're finally 25 years old. You've made it through the first two and a half parts of your life, childhood, being a teenager, and a small part of adulthood. You've made it so far, through all difficulties. You should reward yourself for that, for holding on.
I hope life's been kinder to you all these years, are you happy with your life and the way things have turned out? I hope so.
You're probably working a full time job by now, hopefully one that gives you financial stability.
Maybe you're even married too.
Are you still with Rahman? If you are, that's great. You've made it through almost 8 years, and you've finally gotten what you wished for. The road hasn't been easy for you or him, I'm glad you made it through. If not, have you found someone else, or are you single?
Doesn't matter which is it, as long as you're happy. Don't take things too hard, life will always move on, whether we want it to or not. Love yourself, take care of yourself.
I hope you've become a stronger person.
Are you still as soft-hearted as you were back in the day?
Perhaps you've changed.
But if you've made it this far, any change is probably for the better.
Hopefully you don't wring your heart out for love anymore, have learnt to take control of your own emotions and are not letting others/ anyone control them.
Do you love your job as much as you've always wanted to? Maybe you've found a job as an administrator, or maybe you're in business, or maybe you've become a writer or a journalist after all!
Either way, don't be too keen to earn too much money and neglect the most important things in life.
I doubt you will, but don't take a chance on those things.
Some things once gone, are hard to get back.
I'm sure you've learnt that over the years.
Has your health improved? I hope you haven't been eating more and more medicine over the years!
Take good care of your health, exercise much much more (unless you're already exercising lots) and be sure not to over exhaust yourself.
Take good care of your parents, you should after all the love they've given you all these years. If they're sick, take care of them, visit them often, if you're not staying with them. Be patient and caring.
Work hard, don't play too hard! Laziness comes with a price, and I'm sure you've realized that over the years too!
Never take life too hard, never let things tear you down too often. Take things easy as much as you can. Believe that you can. Life will never be easy, but it will be even harder if you let certain things mess you up too much.
Most importantly, never lose sight of who you are.
Make your goals every year-and keep to them.
Constantly remind yourself of them, work towards them.
Let yourself be strong.
Never let life tear you down and break you for too long.
Love others, but not too much that you no longer love yourself, remember that.
Remember to be young- in the sense of your heart.
Don't let your soul be so weary all the time, you're only 25!
Smile (:
Love,
Chuan Ying (The 18 year-old version)
I wish i could live an empty existence...living like an empty shell...
I wish someone would give me drugs to make me drowsy day and night...not remember us..the memories...or you...just live meaninglessly at best...
What other option do i have left..i have no energy to be strong..
Welcome 2013!
Welcome 2013!!!
The new year has finally arrived, bringing 2012 to an end. 2012 was one the toughest year in my life, I have to admit. Things have not been easy at all, despite what they seem.
In 2012, I cried the most amount of tears I've ever cried, learnt the most from people that I've ever learnt, but the most important lesson to me, that I learnt, is that we have to be strong to continue living life. Though my life may seem easy and smooth to most, and yeah it is in many areas, but it also isn't. Everyone has their tough areas to pull through in life, and I can't say that the tough times are over but I am making a promise now to make it through this year.
I won't say I'll make it through this life yet, there were so many times I felt like dying, not because I really wanted to die, but there are times people just get so tired of trying so hard to live on you know? When certain things just are too much for you to take, and you're so tired.
I'll say that I'll make it through this year, because a friend gave me a good piece of advice the other time we went out, and though I've heard it many times, this time was the only time it sank in.
She told me, "Everytime it gets hard, tell yourself, I'll try a bit harder. Just a bit harder. And then keep trying a bit harder, bit by bit, till you can't try anymore. Then give up."
This piece of advice has been very helpful. It saved me, and a relationship precious to me.
Thanks to that friend (:
I can't promise that 2013 will be a great year, but I will promise to persevere and make the best of it.
At the same time, I'd like to apologize to anyone I've offended in 2012. I'm sorry, and if its cause I didn't do my best in work, etc, I'm sorry too.
Whether you (people who hate me for it) believe it or not, I truly didn't mean it. My heart hasn't been in work (or anything in life basically), I admit because of how depressed about life I get, but I promise I'll get my shit together soon, and things like that.
Okay enough of this.
1. To learn how to be happy on my own, and to control my emotions better, not letting anyone control them.
2. To be happy with my boyfriend, because as much as I'd love to admit it doesn't affect me, the relationship affects my happiness. I'm dumb like that. (which is sad but i guess love is like that for some people. And its normal right? :o )
3. To improve in my studies. This should be no 1. actually but without no 1 and 2 I can forsee that no improving of my studies will come. To be more positive and to endure whatever obstacles I may face. To stop being so damn lazy. :x I should paste this resolution all over my room man.
4. To have better health. This is another one that takes the mark. Should be above 3 too, actually. My health has been awful this year, due to my weak immune system and other factors. (I'm currently taking five medicines that make me drowsy all day long, and a body checkup is on the way. :X) This affects my happiness and studies too, so it should actually be like...number 3? Hmmm.
5. To obtain a sexier, slimmer figure. This is a must. I'm too young to be walking about looking like some old couch-potato sack, with a boyfriend who's thinner than me. ._. And whiter, with skin that is much, much smoother. I'm still jealous. :@
6. To stop holing around at home and stop being a extremely unproductive person. I do that whenever I'm depressed, so I guess that ties in with no 1.
7. To start dancing again. (I can't stress more on how NOT dancing has affected and kindof ruined my life in many ways. It caused me to gain a lot more weight and lose my good figure, plus it also destroyed my social life in many ways. Though I learnt alot from that, I'd still want to start dancing again, somehow.)
8. To be a much better, happier, stronger person as compared to last year.
Thats about it!
Good luck to everyone for their own new year resolutions(:
My Name is Chuan Ying. I'm a 19 years-old girl who loves watching chinese dramas (not korean please), my soft toys/ plushies and hanging out with my favorite people in the world. I strongly believe that pasta is food for the soul and lying on a mat in the middle of a field with the one you love by your side on a sweet, windy night brings about x100000 (infinity) happiness to a person