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Hey guys i'm backkkk

What I do during project breaks, apparently.

The picture above was taken during one of my more "relaxing" breaks from doing projects at home. Apparently, the macbook's 4 shot thing's pretty fun. I don't really use it anymore though, partly because i'm lazy and i hate my pimples, so i can't really be bothered to take any pictures of late. (:

Well, i actually went to read my own blog posts just now and I was like, whoa, I must have not blogged for a pretty long period of time huh? Shocking really...whatever I blogged about then is really different from what i've got to say right now. Back then i was still talking about someone and now i'm not even mad at him anymore, it's way over. I wonder if in a year's time 'll look back again and realize that whatever I'm talking about now or i will be talking about is of absolutely no significance to me at all. Oh well, i'd rather not know the future most of the time i guess. Cause then i'd see what was "definitely" gonna happen to me, and i would make that happen. (This is something like what cx said right?) It's totally true and makes sense.

Oh well, enough of that. (:

It's already july now, 25 of july. I've done everything i said i would in my last couple of blog posts, and well, things have changed, as usual. I've been to gold coast, i've taken part in the dance com (even though i didn't win anything, but at least i gave it a shot uh?) and now it's just plain old boring school time, with a huge tons of ca2s which, for some modules, we've already completed and for some others we haven't.

WMP ca2 is this week, I really hope i can do well for it and "make a comeback" considering how my previous score for WMP was. :( I dread thinking about how things will be, if i don't.

Okay, moving on to the next topic (away from studies!! :D muhahahaha).

Friends have been alright as usual, i love my clique^^

There've been some class politics but i hope they will come to an end soon (i think they already have actually), since we'll all be together for the next 3 years yeah? (:

Either than that, everything's normal i suppose.

Everything, except for you i guess.

I really didn't expect things to turn out this way to be honest, the last thing i wanted was for us to end up like this. I know i always say that, but this time i really didn't think it would be for such a short time. Sigh. So much for us being so compatible and stuff, like i was always thinking. And it wouldn't hurt so much if we could just be good friends still. Now, we're like not even friends? I sure don't feel like we are. I don't have the courage to face you, and it's not because we broke up. Sure, that hurt alot.

I still replay in my mind how i felt when it happened. It hurt alot more than i thought it would,

and not because i was pushing myself to feel that pain. It really just hurt, and i remember i couldn't go to sleep at all, i only slept for like 2 to 3 hours that night, and i wanted to go to the kitchen and get myself some wine so i could fall asleep, but i couldn't find it, which really pissed me off cause i couldn't even drown my sorrows just for that night and pretend nothing happened.

I remember taking a pill of fedac instead, to knock myself out but still i couldn't sleep at first and i cried and cried and no matter what the tears didn't stop and eventually i fell asleep cause of the medicine. And i remember waking up and realizing, oh my gosh this is really happening and the first thing i'd thought to myself was, "somebody pinch me. Pinch me, tell me this is a nightmare. I need to wake up, i want to wake up." That was 2 weeks ago, i think. And no one has woken me up, no one has told me this is a nightmare. To be precise, my nightmare is just getting worse and worse, because now everything between us is so strained and i feel so lost and awkward and angry, too, because i don't know why you're doing this to me.

People keep saying i should just stop blaming myself for every thing that's happened, but how can i not? I said you're doing this to me. But really inside i'm blaming myself, because i keep thinking this is all my fault and so's a lot of other stuff that's happened. I hate myself, sometimes, even though i don't want to be anyone else. Because really, who do i have to blame except me for expecting anything?

I don't know what to feel. I know, you've moved on. You know just how much i'm hurting, and you're not helping at all. And sure, people would say stuff like "its not like you guys have been together for long anyways why do you hurt so much?" but i can tell everyone of them that sometimes, time isn't an issue.

Sure, i know very well that being together with someone for a long time then breaking up can hurt a lot, considering how i've done that before. But i know that back then, when i broke up with him, what i missed was being in a relationship. It took me a couple of months to get over him, but when i broke up with him, i was mostly relieved cause we had been together for so long and i was so tired of holding on. This time, i just felt broken. i just felt like i had lost something, and even now i feel empty inside, like i don't know what can fill me up again.

Find someone else, some would say. But really, i don't want to find anyone else. I don't want to get back together, because of how you've changed. Or is it that you were like this all along and i just didn't know?

I don't know.

But whatever it is, i'm feeling horrible now.

And yet, i've to put on a brave front because if i show how i'm falling apart on the inside, i'll fall apart on the outside, too.

Sometimes even if you know it's for the best, it's still not easy to "just let go".

So 'll take my time, i guess.

Sigh, time to go bathe.

Bye everyone(: please ignore my emo crap if it's a little scary (don't read those parts!)

❤ "Hey guys i'm backkkk" was Posted On: 7/25/2011 @7:55 PM | 0 lovely comments ✿

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