I just keep realizing it again & again, that i was absolutely shit to you.
I see it everywhere.
I was nothing, & why?
Cause i'm not pretty enough, not popular enough.
Whatever.
I should be glad you're out of my life.
I can't believe it sometimes, you'd rather choose that, than me?
Then why'd you pick me in the first place, if i was never enough.
I wonder if im supposed to be all, oh no, nothing happened, like you?
Not saying im all that great, but didn't you like me?
At least you said you did, but im guessing it was a lie, or you never liked me cause i was, you know, me.
No time?
U're kidding me.
Yeah, i just wasn't good enough to keep you, enough said.
I was never what you wanted, period.
Yeah well, i'll move on just fine and do much better.
I just want to get on with it, & move, which is what i've not been doing.
Why am i not suprised by what you do anymore, is no wonder, i'm so immune to it.
And yet what i see sometimes (like just now) can still be a shock.
Okay, im going to go off now.
I know no matter what i become, no matter how pretty i get, no matter how i "improve" or whatever, i'll never ever be good enough for you cause "me" isn't what you want.
I know that now, when i should've known a long time ago.
NEW TRENDS.
Hey guys!Went shopping with alicia from dance yesterday(:
Had fun talking lots @ starbucks & while eating. We talked for a few hours i think.
Haha. :P
To alicia: It was really nice talking to you if you're reading this yeah(;
Anyway!
We didn't buy anything from yesterday's shopping trip cause we were both trying to "save money".
But im going out later with yl & we are gonna eat subway for lunch!
Muahahha.
I like subway now.
Shocking, no? :PP
Hahaha.
I shall be eating instant noodles for brekkie later.
Evil D:
But i like them. xD
hahas.
Anyway i really need to go & shower now!!
There's still dance tonight so im wondering if i should be wearing my dance shirt to the national library with yiling or just bring something to change.
Hahas.
I'll think about that later i guess.
Oh & will be going to an Art Museum with yiling & her friends tommorow. (cause they've free admission now:D)
Hope it's interesting!
Bye! (:
Nothing's changed, no one can take your place.
And yes, i'm an idiot for saying this.
Love is idiotic, honestly.
I'm really moving on though, i'm not moping at home, i haven't cried.
All i'm trying to say is that sometimes you've just found the best thing you could ever find,
and because of that you feel like no one else could ever make you feel that way again.
Even if it was only for a short time.
I know like many people are telling me it was for such a short time.
But really, i felt like we knew each other for quite long & i was so used to the fact that the person was in my life.
It's like waking up one morning & realizing that something really precious to you is gone.
And slowly you're getting used to it, but you keep having to see the person & you're reminded of it over & over again.
And by saying it out loud makes you immune to it & thus it won't hurt you so much, that's why you say it, because deep down, you say it cause you miss him.
So if anyone is irritated by me always talking about him, im sorry.
I won't say it anymore to you if it's annoying you, because i really don't mean to.
It's just me missing the person really.
Sorry. :(
Nothing much.
I replay it over & over again,
you were my boy now we ain't even friends.
Somehow when i'm at work i tend to think alot.
Thank God today's my last day of work.
And besides some stuff has been happening lately, which has meant i've been doing quite abit of thinking.
I don't want to make the wrong choice regarding the path i gotta take in life.
And despite all my efforts of telling myself to move on & leave you behind i seem to be failing terribly.
I mean i see you, & it sure looks like you've moved on & left me behind.
So why should i even care?
Why should i keep hurting myself everyday, like some fool that can't "get over" things?
I know you're not right for me.
I know i should never have fallen in love with you.
I know that i'm just one big fat moron for even giving a damn.
Everyone tells me i deserve better.
I know things can never go back to the way they were.
I know that probably, i was just one of many other girls you've lied to before.
It really hurts to know i was being played, okay?
If that's what you were doing?
I feel like my heart, is like dead or something.
I feel numb sometimes, & everytime i see you i no longer feel so much.
I just feel empty inside.
I know i'm not as popular as you probably want your girlfriend or whatever to be.
Maybe i didn't give you enough space.
Maybe that's my fault.
What's even the point of saying this now?
There used to be nights that i would just lie in bed before i slept & i wouldn't even know why but i would just start tearing & sometimes i wouldn't even know until i felt a tear wetting my cheek.
Now i don't do that too often, but i hate to say i'm still not over it.
Loser i know.
I really need to slap myself & just wake up already.
Why am i even being so damn dumb?
I should stop thinking so much.
Leave.
Well, got back results for dance committee yesterday, and im not exactly in.So yeah, was kindof disappointed.
Quite.
I mean, im truly happy for those who got it and they'll probably do a good job, so congrats(:
I just think its like the more you expect the harder it is when you don't get what you want, especially when you feel like everything in your life has generally gone downwards ever since a certain event or whatever.
And really i'm no sore loser or anything.
If you care about something its natural to be upset, and after so long i guess i don't really care what others think anymore.
People can suit themselves(: I'm not gonna bother trying, now.
And well yeah, after the results yesterday i was still sitting there stupidly and then i was thinking in my head that you were the only one who might be able to make me feel better, but yet the only person who could've cheered me up was the same one who took a knife and stabbed it in my heart.
Yeah, figuratively anyway.
So i just like kept quiet i guess, cause there was nothing much to say.
But anyway, i think i just need to go rethink my priorities, and maybe take a break for awhile to figure out what really is important to me.
I think i've finally realized what mum said when she told me "one more thing is just one more worry." it sounds better in chinese though. xD
It's true, really. Sometimes the more you expect the harder it is for you.
And i think i finally realize that by trying so hard to get that "perfect" life i've always wanted, i've been making myself so unhappy.
I've been trying to live someone else's life, that isn't even mine.
Not that i don't love dance.
I truly do love it & i really did wish that i'd get the position.
But by expecting so much & placing my hopes on my studies, dance & whatever relationships to make me happy i screwed it all up instead.
I think sooner or later i have to come to terms with the few following facts about my life:
1. It is never gonna be perfect.
2. The person i can't seem to move on over has moved on a long time ago, without me.
3. I'm going to keep trying to improve my studies, whether it works or not.
4. I'm not in the committee this year, and it's not sure that i'll be in next year.
Lastly, i've to accept the fact that my life will never be what i want it to be.
I once read this book that they said, this is your life, whether you like it or not.
Take it or leave it.
I guess i just need to reach that stage huh?
It's gonna take awhile.
I'll just have a cool-off period i guess, which i really need.
Anyway, i need to work later (which is contributing to my depression, i may add)
so i'm gonna go eat my breakfast and watch TV (Y) now.
Bye(:
and p.s: if anyone does read this, don't feel bad okay? i know you guys don't know what to say to make me feel better, but i really do appreciate that you care & that's enough. (:
And special thanks to Alicia for talking to me for so long last night:PP Hehe awesome friend.
And to my dance partner for cheering me up on the train. (:
CHANGE THE WORLD.
love this picture.
Hi everyone!
Im typing this with wet fingernails lol:PP just painted my nails red(:
not the demonic kind-of red though(:
Going for dance later and the committee positions will be announced....>.<
Sigh oh well i ain't getting my hopes up.
I've learnt not to expect much so i won't get too disappointed, especially in these areas.
As for school results all i can say is that improvement is definitely needed.
They weren't that bad but they weren't good either. :X
Anyway, i was listening to it's over by jesse mccartney just now.
He is sooo hot! :DDD
And so super talented & cute.
Though like most stars, he's probably a flirt.
:P
Who cares? He's still cute as a star(:
Okay im gonna go off now.
My mum's distracting me by lying on my bed LOLS.
Kay bye people!
so don't be calling leaving messages don't wanna know where you've been
baby cause it's over
CRAP DAY
Really feel like crap today.I mean everything was all fine in the morning, and two phone calls just screwed it up.
Just feel like hiding underneath the blankets now and sleeping forever.
Don't feel like waking up:(
First, the agency called me to ask if i could work today, but i've got something on at night (i thought i did) so i said i couldn't (cause i already agreed right? ><)
Then after that i got phone call number two from yiling, saying she wasn't going to go for the BBQ anymore cause she found a job ._. thus leaving me in the position i'm in now.
Argh.
Just feel so sian lah.
Life really seems to suck now.
I really feel like going on this self-bashing session cause last night i was thinking about some things & i really feel like i'm the worst person><
I feel like i've done a thousand things i regret, now.
Sometimes i really, really hate myself.
I keep trying to fill my life up with everything else, everyone else, just to avoid facing the fact that the one thing i want back is gone.
It's not about not going anywhere today really, it's not about moodswings.
Its just i really feel like crap now.
Just ignore me:(
I'm just trying to vent my frustrations by blogging.
Some people are really irresponsible><
Sigh.
I don't want to say anymore, in case i get more frustrated.
Bye:(
CIRCUS
Britney Spears's Cover Picture for CIRCUS. Isn't she hot? hahaha. XD
Hey everyone(:
Okay so just a short update on these two days.
We had dance voting on wednesday, some self-practice before that, cause teacher Sharon came after all. (:
It ended around 8 plus & the results will be out next week.
Fingers crossed!
And good luck to everyone who's applying(:
Had great fun with yl today, swimming at my house & she accompanied me to go see the chinese doctor.
I know, i seem to be seeing the doctor quite alot.
But apparently im pretty "weak" in some areas so i need to go see the doctor. Haha. :P
Hope i get well soon!
Probably will be going for a bbq tommorow with yl & her church friends too.
Get to know more people.
Haha. XD
Anyways i'm getting tired, so i'll explain the circus "theme" in the next post! Buhbyes^^
Seriously?
Sometimes i really don't understand humans at all.Some people are just so double faced.
On one side they complain about how "ugly" they are, on the other side they take many many pictures of themselves.
I mean c'mon, if you think you're so ugly, then don't take so many pics.
They complain about how depressed they are & how sad they are about their lives.
Now i know, i'm not judging.
No one's perfect, i know there's no perfect life at all.
But what i don't understand is how you people can complain so much about your lives.
I don't mean to insult anyone & i hope no one takes this personally (cause i'm probably not talking about you anyway) but like seriously?
You say you're upset, you want people to stand up for people who are being bullied on or whatever, but really you're the one doing the bullying.
You complain about how you look, when really?
So many other people are suffering because of how they look.
Do you people even put yourselves in other's shoes?
Try walking a mile in someone else's shoes before you judge them.
That person who's fat doesn't want to be fat.
That person who has pimples may be spending over a thousand dollars on treatment.
That person who doesn't have a pretty face may be spending a ton on makeup, hoping that putting on makeup will make them prettier.
I'm sorry for sounding so agitated.
But i hate it when people say things like their life sucks.
Oh yeah?
Well there are thousands of people out there & trust me, their lives suck more than yours.
I don't know your personal problems, cause i'm not you.
But to complain so much because of how you look when there are so many people out there worse than you are?
Fact is all these people that do all these things?
You won't know what you've got till its gone.
You think you have nothing, but you have so much.
If you complain bout your life, trust me there are people in worse positions.
There are people who are dumped by their boyfriends, who aren't as pretty as they want to be,
who's results aren't as good as they wish they were, who aren't as popular as deep down everyone wants to be.
So think your life sucks?
Think again.
Everyone has their own difficulties.
And again i want to repeat that i ain't judging anyone.
But before anyone who does the above does it again, can i remind you that it can really hurt?
It can really hurt people who are in worse positions than you.
If your life sucks, what about theirs?
You'll never know what you've got till its gone.
And in this life, yes, it is all about looks.
And apparently, anyone else who thinks otherwise is either "dumb or ugly". (and yes i got his from beastly (Y) awesome movie:D)
Okay. Anyway.
That's not true.
You don't have to be ugly to understand this, you just have to be average.
There are so many people who take advantage of the fact that they've good looks and use that fact to treat others badly.
If anyone reading this is one of those people (and gosh, i hope not),
please don't.
You may not be bullying them, but by acting that you're above them you're hurting many people.
Who wouldn't want to be pretty, sweet, popular, handsome, thin, smart?
Everyone is just trying to fit in.
I guess its so hard to just not act that way if you are pretty, popular or handsome, right?
I wouldn't know (cause i've never been there)
But sometimes i still hope that those people would just stop already.
Life is already so hard, can't we just try to make things easy for one another?
It can really hurt someone else.
That's why sometimes even though i want to be more perfect (cause i'm so not)
but there are times i admit that i would rather be me.
At least if i'm me, i have my flaws and that allows me to feel the pain of others who may have other flaws.
It makes me a better person, and as much as i want my flaws to go away, if looking better or whatever makes me a worse person, i would rather just be me.
So be it.
I would rather have more empathy then to be perfect, and that's the truth.
Truth is, looks don't last forever.
Character does.
I know that's hard to understand (for most people at least) but without a doubt, it's the truth.
Unfortunately, in this world, looks are all that matter. (at least 95%, anyways)
That's why sometimes this life can seem so bleak.
There are people out there dying & stuff, and suffering, people that are struggling to survive, to just live. They don't need perfection, they need life.
So please, if theres anyone like that reading (I really, really hope not) i really hope that you all will reconsider your actions & how much it may hurt others.
Being kind can't be so hard, right?
Doesn't it feel good to help others, others who need your help?
Even if you don't help, at least don't add to their pain?
I'm speaking for all the people that are being bullied, or who feel insecure because of the opinions of others.
I'm speaking for me too, & there's nothing wrong with that because we all have our insecurities & i'm sure you do too, & thats why you act that way.
Everyone understands.
But please, walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you label em' & treat them like you're above em.
No one deserves to be "worth less" than anyone else.
Thanks.
Breakup Wakeup.
Really true quotes, huh? Love the images above too.
Finally decided to change my blogskin, after a year.
IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG:P
Hahaha.
So im lovin' my new blogskin now, it's totally my style.
It's colourful, bright & awesomeee to sum things up.
Love the song that comes with it, too!
Unfortunately i'm too lazy to link people, so, oh well!
:P
Anyway was really bored so decided to search for the images above.
I liked those two the most of all the rest. :D
Maybe i'll post em' on FB later!
There's no dance this week. :(
Freaking sad..
Wish there was D:
I seem to miss dance too much for my own good.
But it just makes me feel better somehow, dancing.
I've no idea why, cause i don't think im that good yet, but i just love it.
Pity my leg muscles (both legs-.-) seem to be injured, or i'd do splits too...:(
Oh well.
HEAL HEAL HEAL!!
Anyways i'm off to rest now.
Will be going out later tonight to meet Yvette xD
Yays!
Shopping at clementi hehe.
Had a great time at yl's house yesterday too^^
And thanks for accompanying me, yl(: Muacks!
I shall cut my hair & curl it or whatever soon.
Haha.
Okay bye everyone!
Love you.
It's a breakup-wakeup,
you'll never know what we could've had until i'm gone,
you won't realize i was the one
But it's too late & i won't come back.
Goodbye.
More posting~
Credits to Wai Meng! Got it from his blog. He got it from tumblr. (:
Okay so i'm back again!
Hahaha.
I think i have lots of time to post this holiday.
Hasbro has confirmed with me that i'm free on the 11th of september, which means i can go for my cousin's engagement dinner!
Yay. ^^
She & her fiancee are such a lovely couple(:
Hope they will treat each other with patience & kindness & love each other with God's love, for the rest of their lives. (:
So sweet. XD
Hahas well there's nothing much to post today.
Went out with Mum & Dad again, to Mt. Faber & then fetched chuan ren to work.
:PP
Bought a green sweater at IMM today.
(:
It has holes in it.
Like the pattern, don't take it the wrong way(:
Gonna share it with Mummy!
Haha.
Green FTW(:
Going for class outing tmrw.
Unfortunately, it appears that not many people are going, which is really sad.
After that i'll be going back to school for dance...& to return my library book which is SO OVERDUE i feel so ashamed of myself. ._.
Oh well.
Gonna go eat dinner & rest now.
Super tired:( & i felt like fainting today.
I have low blood pressure, sometimes. XD
Bye everyone!
(:
Like the picture said above, you can only choose someone that already loves you, unless the sort of love you want is the second type of love: to love someone selflessly, expecting absolutely nothing in return.
I'm sorry. But i don't think i can ever do that. We only have this life, & it's too short to be filled with pain & hurt.
You'll always be the best thing i never had, though.
When i was with you, i never showed you how much i liked you, unlike with anyone else before, cause i was so scared that if i showed how much i cared (and i pretended to myself that i so did not care-which wasn't true) you wouldn't like me so much anymore & you would leave me, which is what happened before. (something like that anyway)
I pretended that i didn't give a shit to some extent so that even if you left me i could tell myself, oh well, it's just a thing.
Just say goodbye.
But it didn't work.
I was thinking about this last night in my head & i realized that you were the one i felt the most with.
That makes me sound like a flirt, but i'm not.
I'm serious.
I tried so hard to love someone the 3 years i was with him, and i'm sure i did, to some extent.
But to be honest?
I never felt what i felt with you with anyone ever before.
I mean that kind of chemistry?
You can't just dismiss it simply.
That's why i tried so hard to tell myself NOT TO CARE.
But no.
I just had to care. >< Fail, huh?
Guess i fell for you the first time we danced together.
I don't even know why, but i just liked you.
I have no idea why i'm even typing this now cause you won't ever see it.
In many ways we were close, but not so close to the extent that we knew everything bout one another, right?
I'm not saying this cause i wanna get back together.
Because to be honest?
I'm way too hurt by you to ever consider that.
That night we broke up was like taking this sharp knife & stabbing it right into my heart.
That feeling of emptiness was worse than any i ever felt before.
But now it's getting easier to breathe everyday.
Time is a great healer & remembering doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
Life doesn't seem as meaningless as it used to, too.
And i've figured out life has too many "what if's" to question them.
What if I had given you time for you to fit me into your life?
Would we still be together?
Oh.
But it's too late, cause now i know it will never be the same, it will never work out anyway.
I know you've moved on & so will I.
It's my own fault that i was starting to fall in love with you anyway.
I knew from the start, when you told me you were quite cold.
Guess i thought i would be different.
Oh well.
You're right, it's over. We're over.
I won't bother to dwell on this forever.
I just hope, everything will be alright in the end.
And there's a part of me that still feels happy thinking of our memories.
I never said i love you cause i was scared that you might not love me, too.
Now i'll never say it.
You're not the one i should say it to, then?
I hope we both find the ones meant for us, yeah? (:
Cheers.
High tea @ GoodWood Park Hotel & Reservoir trip
Hey everyone! (:
I'm back again.
Looks like i've got plenty of time to post in the holidays.
Now for the updates on my life!
I've found a job as a toy promoter, so i'm currently working for Hashbro now.
Worked for only 3 days so far, hope the rest of my work will be a pleasant experience!
Thank God, it's been alright these couple days, though standing for the entire day is very tiring.
I'm working in TOYS R US.
Its like a kid's world there man.
Kids everywhere.
Some of em' are super cute:D Especially the younger kids. Some can be really violent. D:
Oh well, part and parcel of working with kids i guess. (:
Anyway, work isn't so depressing this time cause i'm only working on friday, saturday & sunday. (:
Hee hee.
Other days are reserved for dancesport & slacking!
Applied for committee positions alr. :X
Hmmm hope everything'll turn out good, but if not i shall not be too disappointed cause this world's pretty competitive in general.
So i'll let nature run it's course(:
Anyway!
Went to GoodWood Park Hotel today for the sake of high tea, with Mum & Dad. (Y)
Hahaha.
It was pretty fun actually.
It was local high tea, not English.
Probably suits our taste better(:
There were some awesome desserts & cakes though, which i was too full to try.
(DAMN SAD NOW:()
I was so full i haven't even eaten dinner till now.
Ridiculous, i know.
:P
Probably not going to eat dinner.
Bought "Beastly"- the dvd to watch today.
Hope its nice! (:
I wonder what i'm gonna do tmrw.
Hope it won't be a boring day & that i will exercise!!
T.T
Okay, i'll stop here.
Been having a headache since this afternoon & it doesn't seem to be getting any better.
Bye everyone! (:
I think today was the only day in a couple months, that i didn't think much about you.
Maybe forcing yourself not to think / feel can be done, under certain circumstances.
My Name is Chuan Ying. I'm a 19 years-old girl who loves watching chinese dramas (not korean please), my soft toys/ plushies and hanging out with my favorite people in the world. I strongly believe that pasta is food for the soul and lying on a mat in the middle of a field with the one you love by your side on a sweet, windy night brings about x100000 (infinity) happiness to a person
