I've decided to start blogging again, since I have a little more free time these days and much more to say. For the previous year (Has it really been a year? It sure feels like it.) i stopped blogging because I felt that there was no point of blogging when I had nothing much to blog about except my daily routine.

I was also worried that I would make myself seem like an overly emotional, distraught person because most of the time I blog when I'm unhappy with life and I treat my blog like a journal. But I've decided to start blogging again because I have realized that it doesn't really matter what impression I give off to others. I know myself, and that's more than enough. (:

Honestly, life has changed drastically since I last blogged. I left poly in year two to join SIM because of how emotionally distressed I was at that period of time. Honestly, do I regret my decision? To a certain extent, yes. I wish that I had stayed on to complete my third year because if I had, I would have had the chance to get into a better university, a chance that I no longer have and will not have now as I've made a choice and chosen to study Psychology in SIM.

I regret that I couldn't keep my emotions in check at that time, but at the same time I know that if I hadn't left, I would not have been able to tolerate the stress I was facing at that time. It was one of the darkest periods of life then as I had just been diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety disorder. It was really hard for me to accept myself and my life back then. I was still with R then, and we continued to stay together till our break up in February this year. It was a event in my life that traumatized me a lot, because I lost the man I loved and at the same time, my best friend of (almost) the two years that we had been together.

I haven't told many people this, and I know people are going to judge me after I say this here, but I was admitted into Mount Elizabeth Hospital after R and I broke up because I was suicidal and wanted to kill myself. I refused to eat, drink or do anything. Basically, I wasn't behaving normally. That was the period of time when my anxiety and depression was at its worst in my life. I stayed in the hospital for a week. I remember, that all I could think of at that point time was that I was to blame for the break up. I couldn't forgive myself for hurting R and it hurt me to hurt someone I loved. 

After  I left the hospital, I went through a period of time when I basically dated people I didn't know well. I thought that was a way to help myself forget R and run away from my own pain.

Eventually, I met KC. He was the total opposite from everything R had been and when I first met him, I had to admit that I was drawn to him, even though I didn't know it at that time. He was the toughest, yet sweetest guy I had ever met. We got together officially after about a month of knowing each other. He made me forget the hurt of the relationship I had with R, but I genuinely loved him when we were together. I loved him because of his character, his quirks and the way he treated me, sending me home back and forth even when he was exhausted. 

My love for him grew each day that we together because he made me feel safe and secure that I was in a relationship with someone that was mature enough to want to communicate with me. He was constantly telling me that things would work out and trying to work out any arguments we had. When I looked at him, it was different from the way I loved R, but till this day I know I did not love KC any less at all. 

People will judge me for this, I know, but honestly, I can say that you can have loved someone with all your heart, but when you meet someone else who captures your heart and you know that the previous relationship is definitely over, you will let go and you will be capable of loving this new person. Sadly, the relationship ended recently in July this year due to differences between us, and he didn't want to try anymore. I don't blame him for walking away, though I am hurt by what happened.

After all these that has happened, between me and R, me and KC, and my own problems along the way with school work and exams, dealing with my depression, which has been less severe but it has not left me since I was diagnosed back when I was in poly, things have been hard. 

However, there still have been many lovely and good times despite all these that have happened, for example, I was able to continue dancing even through the hardest times of my life. I have also drawn strength from my family and from my dog Joy BAOBAO (who is always my adorable baby!).

I think I have learnt and grown a lot as a person through all these things that have happened. I won't deny that since the breakup with KC recently I haven't gone through times that I have just wanted to call him or text him to tell him that I miss him, but I know that doing that is simply pointless, because what I learnt from the ending of my relationship with R was that I truly wanted someone who would love me despite all my flaws, my ugly side and my ups and downs that I face with depression and trauma from the past. I realized that no matter how much I love someone, as long as they cannot accept me and love me for who I am, the relationship will not last and I will not be happy. That is what I try to remind myself these days on the painful nights when every memory seems to come back to me.

I've learnt to accept that some things can never change. I will never be able to go back in time, and undo what I did when I hurt R, and when he hurt me, and what KC and I went through together. Through all these, I have learnt that life goes on whether we like it or not and whether or not I have depression or anxiety, or both, I have to face life day by day and accept it for what it is.

I think I may not be as innocent as I was when I last blogged here, but I think I've learnt a lot. Sure, I have a lot of scars from being hurt, but I think I'm still proud of myself for being able to learn through these things that have happened and not letting them make me a bad person.

No matter how distressed I am, I always remember that I am a person, like any other person, unique in my own way, who deserves to be loved. I have never felt the need to destroy others even if they have hurt me. For that, I'm glad. I'm glad that I have not let my hurt destroy me entirely and turn me into someone I'm completely not.

We always have to keep moving in life to keep our balance. I think that's something I'm still trying to learn. I'm stronger now though, and I plan to keep it that way.

Pain forces us to learn and grow. That's the one thing we get out of it, and we learn not to repeat our mistakes as much as we can. I hope that I can continue to grow in the years to come and that one day, I will be completely free of depression and I will be the best version of myself, that I hope to be.

Blog again soon!

Cy

❤ "Back to Blogging!" was Posted On: 8/02/2014 @8:48 PM | 0 lovely comments ✿