Guardians of The Galaxy
Here's a late night post (when my ass is obviously supposed to be sleeping plus im having a headache:( However I decided to blog because I really felt like it.
Today I realized two things:
1. I would rather hear the most hurtful truth then a beautifully-dressed lie
2. I trust people too easily and too much. I'm too naive and trusting of the people I care about. Which is sad, because I never doubt people once I trust them. I never learn do I? Sometimes I think its just really sad that I have to actually force myself to be wary of others. Its my nature to trust that people are good, but the truth is that many aren't and they're definitely not worthy of my trust.
3. Guardians Of The Galaxy is really funny! Haha this is totally off topic I know, but I really enjoyed watching it. Thanks to Dexter who watched it with me a second time haha if you're reading this I still feel bad about it..but really glad I got to watch it because it was a great movie. (:
Alright! Going to catch some sleep with Joy Baobao now haha. Exhaustion has sunk in..Goodnight world.
(I miss you even though I know I shouldn't and its obviously bad for me. I suck at making decisions lol I should stop this caring too much shit. Sucks like hell)
Back to Blogging!
Hello blog!
I've decided to start blogging again, since I have a little more free time these days and much more to say. For the previous year (Has it really been a year? It sure feels like it.) i stopped blogging because I felt that there was no point of blogging when I had nothing much to blog about except my daily routine.
I was also worried that I would make myself seem like an overly emotional, distraught person because most of the time I blog when I'm unhappy with life and I treat my blog like a journal. But I've decided to start blogging again because I have realized that it doesn't really matter what impression I give off to others. I know myself, and that's more than enough. (:
Honestly, life has changed drastically since I last blogged. I left poly in year two to join SIM because of how emotionally distressed I was at that period of time. Honestly, do I regret my decision? To a certain extent, yes. I wish that I had stayed on to complete my third year because if I had, I would have had the chance to get into a better university, a chance that I no longer have and will not have now as I've made a choice and chosen to study Psychology in SIM.
I regret that I couldn't keep my emotions in check at that time, but at the same time I know that if I hadn't left, I would not have been able to tolerate the stress I was facing at that time. It was one of the darkest periods of life then as I had just been diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety disorder. It was really hard for me to accept myself and my life back then. I was still with R then, and we continued to stay together till our break up in February this year. It was a event in my life that traumatized me a lot, because I lost the man I loved and at the same time, my best friend of (almost) the two years that we had been together.
I haven't told many people this, and I know people are going to judge me after I say this here, but I was admitted into Mount Elizabeth Hospital after R and I broke up because I was suicidal and wanted to kill myself. I refused to eat, drink or do anything. Basically, I wasn't behaving normally. That was the period of time when my anxiety and depression was at its worst in my life. I stayed in the hospital for a week. I remember, that all I could think of at that point time was that I was to blame for the break up. I couldn't forgive myself for hurting R and it hurt me to hurt someone I loved.
After I left the hospital, I went through a period of time when I basically dated people I didn't know well. I thought that was a way to help myself forget R and run away from my own pain.
Eventually, I met KC. He was the total opposite from everything R had been and when I first met him, I had to admit that I was drawn to him, even though I didn't know it at that time. He was the toughest, yet sweetest guy I had ever met. We got together officially after about a month of knowing each other. He made me forget the hurt of the relationship I had with R, but I genuinely loved him when we were together. I loved him because of his character, his quirks and the way he treated me, sending me home back and forth even when he was exhausted.
My love for him grew each day that we together because he made me feel safe and secure that I was in a relationship with someone that was mature enough to want to communicate with me. He was constantly telling me that things would work out and trying to work out any arguments we had. When I looked at him, it was different from the way I loved R, but till this day I know I did not love KC any less at all.
People will judge me for this, I know, but honestly, I can say that you can have loved someone with all your heart, but when you meet someone else who captures your heart and you know that the previous relationship is definitely over, you will let go and you will be capable of loving this new person. Sadly, the relationship ended recently in July this year due to differences between us, and he didn't want to try anymore. I don't blame him for walking away, though I am hurt by what happened.
After all these that has happened, between me and R, me and KC, and my own problems along the way with school work and exams, dealing with my depression, which has been less severe but it has not left me since I was diagnosed back when I was in poly, things have been hard.
However, there still have been many lovely and good times despite all these that have happened, for example, I was able to continue dancing even through the hardest times of my life. I have also drawn strength from my family and from my dog Joy BAOBAO (who is always my adorable baby!).
I think I have learnt and grown a lot as a person through all these things that have happened. I won't deny that since the breakup with KC recently I haven't gone through times that I have just wanted to call him or text him to tell him that I miss him, but I know that doing that is simply pointless, because what I learnt from the ending of my relationship with R was that I truly wanted someone who would love me despite all my flaws, my ugly side and my ups and downs that I face with depression and trauma from the past. I realized that no matter how much I love someone, as long as they cannot accept me and love me for who I am, the relationship will not last and I will not be happy. That is what I try to remind myself these days on the painful nights when every memory seems to come back to me.
I've learnt to accept that some things can never change. I will never be able to go back in time, and undo what I did when I hurt R, and when he hurt me, and what KC and I went through together. Through all these, I have learnt that life goes on whether we like it or not and whether or not I have depression or anxiety, or both, I have to face life day by day and accept it for what it is.
I think I may not be as innocent as I was when I last blogged here, but I think I've learnt a lot. Sure, I have a lot of scars from being hurt, but I think I'm still proud of myself for being able to learn through these things that have happened and not letting them make me a bad person.
No matter how distressed I am, I always remember that I am a person, like any other person, unique in my own way, who deserves to be loved. I have never felt the need to destroy others even if they have hurt me. For that, I'm glad. I'm glad that I have not let my hurt destroy me entirely and turn me into someone I'm completely not.
We always have to keep moving in life to keep our balance. I think that's something I'm still trying to learn. I'm stronger now though, and I plan to keep it that way.
Pain forces us to learn and grow. That's the one thing we get out of it, and we learn not to repeat our mistakes as much as we can. I hope that I can continue to grow in the years to come and that one day, I will be completely free of depression and I will be the best version of myself, that I hope to be.
Blog again soon!
Cy
As the thunder starts to crash
Trying to keep the lights from going out, and the clouds from ripping out my broken heart. Letter to myself
A letter: From me to me.
Hi everyone! I read a classmate's blog the other day and she gave me a great idea of what to write on this blog (I ran out of ideas ages ago). So today I'll write a letter to myself, my 25 year-old self, and maybe I'll actually get the chance to read it 7 years down the road.
So here goes.
(A letter: From me to me.)
Dear Chuan Ying,
You're finally 25 years old. You've made it through the first two and a half parts of your life, childhood, being a teenager, and a small part of adulthood. You've made it so far, through all difficulties. You should reward yourself for that, for holding on.
I hope life's been kinder to you all these years, are you happy with your life and the way things have turned out? I hope so.
You're probably working a full time job by now, hopefully one that gives you financial stability.
Maybe you're even married too.
Are you still with Rahman? If you are, that's great. You've made it through almost 8 years, and you've finally gotten what you wished for. The road hasn't been easy for you or him, I'm glad you made it through. If not, have you found someone else, or are you single?
Doesn't matter which is it, as long as you're happy. Don't take things too hard, life will always move on, whether we want it to or not. Love yourself, take care of yourself.
I hope you've become a stronger person.
Are you still as soft-hearted as you were back in the day?
Perhaps you've changed.
But if you've made it this far, any change is probably for the better.
Hopefully you don't wring your heart out for love anymore, have learnt to take control of your own emotions and are not letting others/ anyone control them.
Do you love your job as much as you've always wanted to? Maybe you've found a job as an administrator, or maybe you're in business, or maybe you've become a writer or a journalist after all!
Either way, don't be too keen to earn too much money and neglect the most important things in life.
I doubt you will, but don't take a chance on those things.
Some things once gone, are hard to get back.
I'm sure you've learnt that over the years.
Has your health improved? I hope you haven't been eating more and more medicine over the years!
Take good care of your health, exercise much much more (unless you're already exercising lots) and be sure not to over exhaust yourself.
Take good care of your parents, you should after all the love they've given you all these years. If they're sick, take care of them, visit them often, if you're not staying with them. Be patient and caring.
Work hard, don't play too hard! Laziness comes with a price, and I'm sure you've realized that over the years too!
Never take life too hard, never let things tear you down too often. Take things easy as much as you can. Believe that you can. Life will never be easy, but it will be even harder if you let certain things mess you up too much.
Most importantly, never lose sight of who you are.
Make your goals every year-and keep to them.
Constantly remind yourself of them, work towards them.
Let yourself be strong.
Never let life tear you down and break you for too long.
Love others, but not too much that you no longer love yourself, remember that.
Remember to be young- in the sense of your heart.
Don't let your soul be so weary all the time, you're only 25!
Smile (:
Love,
Chuan Ying (The 18 year-old version)
I wish i could live an empty existence...living like an empty shell...
I wish someone would give me drugs to make me drowsy day and night...not remember us..the memories...or you...just live meaninglessly at best...
What other option do i have left..i have no energy to be strong..
Welcome 2013!
Welcome 2013!!!
The new year has finally arrived, bringing 2012 to an end. 2012 was one the toughest year in my life, I have to admit. Things have not been easy at all, despite what they seem.
In 2012, I cried the most amount of tears I've ever cried, learnt the most from people that I've ever learnt, but the most important lesson to me, that I learnt, is that we have to be strong to continue living life. Though my life may seem easy and smooth to most, and yeah it is in many areas, but it also isn't. Everyone has their tough areas to pull through in life, and I can't say that the tough times are over but I am making a promise now to make it through this year.
I won't say I'll make it through this life yet, there were so many times I felt like dying, not because I really wanted to die, but there are times people just get so tired of trying so hard to live on you know? When certain things just are too much for you to take, and you're so tired.
I'll say that I'll make it through this year, because a friend gave me a good piece of advice the other time we went out, and though I've heard it many times, this time was the only time it sank in.
She told me, "Everytime it gets hard, tell yourself, I'll try a bit harder. Just a bit harder. And then keep trying a bit harder, bit by bit, till you can't try anymore. Then give up."
This piece of advice has been very helpful. It saved me, and a relationship precious to me.
Thanks to that friend (:
I can't promise that 2013 will be a great year, but I will promise to persevere and make the best of it.
At the same time, I'd like to apologize to anyone I've offended in 2012. I'm sorry, and if its cause I didn't do my best in work, etc, I'm sorry too.
Whether you (people who hate me for it) believe it or not, I truly didn't mean it. My heart hasn't been in work (or anything in life basically), I admit because of how depressed about life I get, but I promise I'll get my shit together soon, and things like that.
Okay enough of this.
1. To learn how to be happy on my own, and to control my emotions better, not letting anyone control them.
2. To be happy with my boyfriend, because as much as I'd love to admit it doesn't affect me, the relationship affects my happiness. I'm dumb like that. (which is sad but i guess love is like that for some people. And its normal right? :o )
3. To improve in my studies. This should be no 1. actually but without no 1 and 2 I can forsee that no improving of my studies will come. To be more positive and to endure whatever obstacles I may face. To stop being so damn lazy. :x I should paste this resolution all over my room man.
4. To have better health. This is another one that takes the mark. Should be above 3 too, actually. My health has been awful this year, due to my weak immune system and other factors. (I'm currently taking five medicines that make me drowsy all day long, and a body checkup is on the way. :X) This affects my happiness and studies too, so it should actually be like...number 3? Hmmm.
5. To obtain a sexier, slimmer figure. This is a must. I'm too young to be walking about looking like some old couch-potato sack, with a boyfriend who's thinner than me. ._. And whiter, with skin that is much, much smoother. I'm still jealous. :@
6. To stop holing around at home and stop being a extremely unproductive person. I do that whenever I'm depressed, so I guess that ties in with no 1.
7. To start dancing again. (I can't stress more on how NOT dancing has affected and kindof ruined my life in many ways. It caused me to gain a lot more weight and lose my good figure, plus it also destroyed my social life in many ways. Though I learnt alot from that, I'd still want to start dancing again, somehow.)
8. To be a much better, happier, stronger person as compared to last year.
Thats about it!
Good luck to everyone for their own new year resolutions(:
Its time to grow up
Hello blog!I'm just bored from stoning at my com, so taking a short break by updating this dead blog.
Had some thoughts just now, just thought I should summarize them here.
I was thinking about something I usually don't take time to consider:
We go from baby/toddlerhood
To childhood
To becoming a teenager...
Then an young adult, a middle-aged adult, and so on.
Many people think that we start "growing up" when we're teenagers, but in my opinion, we don't.
To me, people realize the bitterness of many of life's aspects when they're teenagers. That's different from growing up. Growing up means you realize life's bitterness, accept it, or form your own view on it and how you're going to live it.
It hardly means complaining about it all the time to anyone who will hear you out, whenever you want.
Decision-making perhaps is a big part of this whole growing up thing, which I think, is something that no matter how old i am, i will never get right. I know i'll never get all the right decisions no matter how old I am, or how much of life I've gone through.
Maybe the "right" decisions are determined by us too, our opinion on what's right and what's wrong.
I think that's the reason why we judge other people (talking about a person's philosophy of life) and say things like, this person is doing the wrong thing by living his/her's life in a certain way.
People grow up when they learn to accept their own philosophies of life-what they determine life to be and see it as, and when they learn to cope with life-and the baggage that comes with it, be it the judgmental eyes of others who disapprove them or their own feelings of guilt for living their life a certain way they want. Of course, part of the process means learning responsibility, which is one aspect that most people will find very difficult (myself included, unfortunately).
Maybe sometimes we also need the strength from ourselves and others, or even from the many bitter experiences of life, even if they hurt us or scar us, to make our lives whole in every aspect so we can live them the way we rightfully deserve and should.
I hope one day I will reach that stage of growing up. That stage that I will look at my life, and be proud of how far I've come no matter how weary my soul is, how tired I am. All that will be worth it as I would be proud to tell myself that I've not just survived life barely, but I've lived it to my own best ability, in little to no comparison with others.
I pray, with all patience and endurance in my heart, that that day will come. (:
Confession night
This post is dedicated to you.
Haha, i know i don't spill my feelings out here often anymore, but i think there's a need tonight to.
"True love would always find a way to understand pain". I have never understood this statement in my life. Never ever. I know those who know me may think i do, since i've supposedly liked a certain person a lot before (which is long over.). But honestly, i did not.
Every person i met before you, was never a person who cared for me.
Never.
I had no idea what a person who truly loved me and not for any other reasons would be like.
I thought they cared, but really, they did not.
Therefore i wasted lots of time.
But tonight i feel a need to emphasize on that statement.
Indeed, true love will find ways to understand pain.
Its like when we were first together, and you told me, you gave in to me in many arguments because you love me.
Which you did, i appreciate that.
Now i understand.
Because even when you make me angry or hurt, i find myself trying my hardest to forget things.
I want things to be okay again, i choose to think of the good things you've done for me instead of the bad. Yes what happened may still hurt but over time i forgive you, and you likewise.
Misunderstandings and arguments are bound to occur to any person, especially a couple.
I and you have been upset & hurt by these things, but i hope that you have not lost faith in us and in me.
I know i rarely say mushy things to you & post on your wall, but this post is different.
I won't lose faith in us even if my heart is hurt or yours is, i will remind myself to keep the faith because of these few reasons:
1. Because i love you
2. Because you're special
Now there any many special people out there. But you're different to me.
Because you:
1. Walk around with me in soft toy & hello kitty shops when i ask you to.
2. Sing the baobao song.
3. View me as important & care for me. (:
Not lying.
Hope we both won't stay too upset any longer, you and i both know certain things are not worth walking away from.
Sleep tight, fluffy.
I can't fight alone.
Fight for you, I have.
Trying to make things work, I am.
I'm hurt from everything that you said, everything that happened.
Yet I still can't forget the good things you've done for me.
You were so good to me, better than anyone.
Keep asking myself, did i do something wrong?
What happened?
I always blame myself to a certain extent at least.
I still love you and I'm trying to save our relationship.
You used to not just be my boyfriend, you were my best friend, the person i could rely on whenever I got upset, hurt.
What happened to us?
You've done alot of things for me before...but no longer.
I'm not being unappreciative, but i need to tell you the truth.
You still mean everything to me but do I still mean everything to you?
For wanting to see you too much I'm sorry.
I'm trying to get used to this sudden change- in you too.
I understand we all need space, but I need you too.
It hurts you know?
That day I told you i couldn't rely on you much anymore, it didn't seem to bother you much.
I don't know, really, I can't guess.
I can't only be here when you want me to, you said you're trying but I can't feel that too much...
I know I'm trying. Trying doesn't mean avoiding arguments even if we're hurt inside, it means working them out together.
I want nothing more than to work things out with you so we can be happy again.
I've done alot too, all I want is to know my love is wasted and that you still care.
I need to know if you do- by actions too.
I don't want arguments anymore- but I need the truth about how you feel, or if this is the truth, I want to believe it..
I miss us, do you?
Do i?
Remember when we didn’t have nothing
But a perfect simple kind of lovingBaby those sure were the daysThere was a time our love ran wild and freeBut now I’m second guessing everything I see
Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you babyDoes the sight of me wanting you drive you crazyDo I have your love, am I still enoughTell me don’t I, or tell me do I babyGive you everything that you ever wantedWould you rather just turn away and leave me lonelyDo I just need to give up and get on with my life?
Tell me baby, do we get one more try?
Been so down these few days that sometimes, I'm tempted to go to sleep & never wake up.
Life is too tough sometimes, especially when your confused & don't know what to do to make everything alright again. The question of when that will happen is still on my mind, causing me to have disturbed sleep and an unbearable feeling of heartache.
I blame no one but myself for the wrong decisions I make, honestly.
Other times I'm just no longer sure of what's right and wrong anymore.
Someone teach me how to keep up with the changes in life and people?
Because keeping up is getting real tough for me.
I know I have to be strong, I'm doing my best to hold it in.
I have to and I will.
Couldn't help but cry when I re-read one of the birthday cards my family gave me for my 17th birthday. They're probably the only ones who feel my hurt when I'm hurt- cry with me and for me.
The pink card even had a cute little elephant on it, which made me even sadder:o
I miss being a kid, hiding behind the door to wait for Daddy to come home.
He would push the door open slowly and i would run to hug him.
Actually, I miss my happy self.
Where are you?
Where are you now?
I was staring at the female angrybird just now, thinking of our memories.
When we tried to buy the angrybird then were told it was free.
I thought of the first time I met you at yck interchange, properly, after never speaking to you for a year in gened class.
I remembered my first impression of you, that you were a good, friendly guy.
I had fun going out with you that time.
I remembered the times we went to marina barrage and when you carried me and swung me around on the field, you wiping my tears away that day when I told you how sad I was.
That was one of the rare times I opened up to anyone then.
I thought of the day I agreed to be your girlfriend, one of the happiest nights of my life.
I remember feeling happy and secure with you.
Those were our beginning times.
Now I recall the middle part.
I recall eating at seoul garden with you for our first anniversary, you wanted to ask the waiter to take a picture for us but we took one ourselves in the end, I suggested that.
I recall our trip to wild wild wet, me laughing and screaming down the (I don't know what) ride.
It was really fun, you just were like smiling at me.
I think of you texting me everyday, in the morning, all the time, to ask about my day, and I'll ask about yours.
I think of our 2nd anniversary, which wasn't that great but that you tried making an effort at least.
I remember how our arguments usually end with a hug and i love yous.
Our 3rd anniversary, you gave me the big bear which is on my bed now.
Oh and the first toy you gave me, Chipmunk.
I remember being touched getting it.
I kept it beside me every night though I don't like the fur much.
But its cute of course.
I think of you always sending me home & remember waiting at the polyclinic with you for 3 hours, going to the hospital together with you, going through good times and bad times with you because that's what love is about isn't it?
Being with you has made me happier than I've been with any other-knowing that i'm with someone who loves me.
I remember once I was thinking to myself, do you love me? It was a random thought.
I didn't even have a doubt before I thought of course you did.
I've placed my trust in you even when I know it makes me vulnerable- like we all are when it comes to love.
So tonight what you said hurt me like an arrow to my heart.
Do you remember all these things?
That we promised that we'll go through thick & thin together bcos that's what love is about?
It breaks my heart just to recall your words, though you may not have meant them the way they came out.
Yet i want to believe you still mean what you said after.
A cruel world doesn't mean we all have to become cruel people.
Especially not to those who love us.
And I hope that you will choose me. No matter how much I understand your feelings, i can't understand if I'm not of equal importance.
It makes me feel like what I've done is futile.
It isn't easy, trying to sleep with a broken heart..
Its still affecting me
Today is, well, one of my moody days.
Spent the whole day moodily without telling anyone.
Like the image above- sometimes things affect us but we don't want to admit it.
I must say though, that I really envy those people, especially those girls who can live life without letting relationship problems (especially) and problems with other people affect them too much.
People always laugh at those who care too much, saying, why do you even care when you're the only one who cares?
Honestly that is a question to which I'll never know the answer.
I know people think caring is stupid & honestly so do i.
But really, love, in any of its forms is stupid.
Trust me, we all hate it when we are the ones who care more- be it at the moment or always.
I have always tried being heartless but it never works.
I give up trying to be, I can never achieve it to the standard of some people I could mention but I won't.
Argh its 9.30 already.
A couple of hours closer to results day, weeee!
Yeah right.
I'm off to moodyland, dumb as it seems.
Bye!
God gave me you
God gave me you.
Hello everyone!
The image above is one I stole from google LOL.
Desperation, I know.
I really like the song though, Blake Shelton's voice is music to my ears (really) and so are the lyrics of his song.
Here's the link!
This is one of the rare times I'm not blogging at night, lol.
Shall not reveal the reason for that here. (:
Anyway I'm blogging this post cause someone wants me to!
Lol.
Sorry for the photo spam, haha.
I know some people hate to see photos of couples, my apologies. This post is different okay!
Happy anniversary angrybird(:
I just wanted to complete someone's request & at the same time thank him for being here for me, I'm not easily satisfied & I've met people who have made me really unhappy. But I've changed a lot, after all we are all here to learn from our mistakes. I'm grateful for his love and the good guy he is. And for the wonderful day we had, thank you!
Okay, I'm done here. Off to take a mini nap & prepare to meet stef:D
Nails here I come weee.
Plus whatever nice food we're going to enjoy.
Byes!
A good relationship is not easy but worth it(:
Different.
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Over the course of these few days, I started a new job as a receptionist at FJ Benjamin.
It is a company that houses over 20 fashion brands including top brands like Raoul (their housebrand), Guess, GC, La Senza, Gap and Givenchy, etc.
I've learnt something new about myself.
I actually like office jobs. Lol if Joey and Stefanie are reading this now they must be like whattt.
Which made me realize a couple of things about myself.
I'm actually a really boring person, lol.
I mean, people who don't know me assume i'm the type who loves fun and crazy stuff (like drinking & yes i do, no judgemental people here i hope!)
I have to admit that i love doing fun stuff and trying new things when it comes to going out with friends and stuff, I crave excitement.
Normal dinner outings are never enough for me.
I prefer full-day outings ended by drinking sessions. (Not till I'm drunk though)
I like going out with a big group of friends, provided they're nice people.
But when it comes to everyday routines like work, i'd rather have a stable job.
A fixed timing when it comes to going for work, ending work.
The same thing for family & relationships as well, i realized how much i need stability in my life even though i love to have fun & go crazy sometimes haha, but stability is still what i truly want.
Not saying that i don't like to try new things, i think its necessary to try things if they make you happy and new things to do will spice things up when you're out with people.
I even always go back to the same stalls when i go to food courts or hawker centres.
I like safe routines, i noted. Boring to some but security to me.
Alright this is just a short post because i'm off to sleep soon, so good night everyone! The weekend is about to arrive, hang in there! (:
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| Taken in the library ages ago. My face is chubby, I know. Don't judge! |
The topic of friends & those we've lost
Best friends.
Hello everyone!
I'm blogging again today. Been more free this couple of days.
Then again not really, just today & yesterday I suppose?
I stayed up pretty late yesterday to blog anyway.
I said yesterday that I wouldn't be putting much emo stuff on my blog anymore cause its kind of pointless and childish too right? Haha.
But this isn't an emo post, its more of a ranting one.
I'm currently using this blog as a platform for ranting today, so don't mind me! (:
I'm sure not many people read it anyway (since I keep it so private)
See that photo I put above?
Its because Mom reminded me of something today.
She always brings this up lol, but its not on purpose, she just wants me to be happy I guess, she's just concerned.
But it does make me really sad I must admit, it reminds me of things I'd rather not think about if possible.
Basically Mom keeps reminding me of the friends that I no longer really talk too, especially my "best friend" who honestly, isn't really my best friend anymore.
And if she ever sees this one day, I'm not afraid to hide it too.
I still care for you as your friend sweetie and I always will, you'll always be my friend in my heart, but you disappointed me too many times for our friendship to be the same again.
(sorry ranting part here haha but hey i warned ya:P)
I've known you since we were sec one, we've grown up together.
You are my only friend who knows me inside out, and I know you.
Which is why I don't blame you for changing, because I understand your character.
Its just who you are, you move on easy, and you have changed to become colder over the years too.
To me its just sad that the only friend I confided all my troubles to is just gone just like that.
You called me at 12am that day, I was asleep yet I picked up the phone patiently and heard you talk.
You hadn't called me in months, no matter how many times I called & tried to talk to you previously you never tried to hear me out, even when most of our conversation revolved around you.
I told myself you had changed, and I'm already so used to it by now, but sometimes like tonight it just gets to me you know?
Whatever happens I wish you well in your life & we'll always be friends, even if not best friends any longer.
Because people change & move on, no?
Guess i'm the sort that can't forget my best friend of almost 6 years, but hey who would be able to with how close we were? You i guess but oh well that's life isn't it...
Okay i'm done ranting and crapping lol.
Things haven't been great on the friend side lately.
People are plain competitive these days & yeah I know i'm not the perfect groupmate or whatever, but you can't deny that I'm a good friend.
I'm not the world's best daughter or whatever but when it comes to friends I give too many second chances to those undeserving.
If someone's nice to me i'll be nice back, plain and simple.
No mind games.
But people these days love to play games & friends no longer treat each other as friends.
People ought to be classified into the categories of:
1. Good potential project mate
2. Person who's good to hangout with for the sake of increasing the popularity of oneself
3. Someone who I can spend time with on a regular basis, potential clique mates (cause everyone needs a clique)
4. Good looking people I can camwhore with & then upload my photos on facebook to make it look like my social life is positively blooming with an abundance of cute people.
Alright I'm starting to sound really bitchy & stereotypical in this post;(
Oh dear its hard not to while talking about these sort of issues.
But what I said is true isn't it?
Its hard to find a true friend indeed, just as its hard to find a lover that truly loves you.
Life is never easy!
We either learn to live it or live it in misery/ or die lol but that is no option here, I'm no quitter even though life has not been that kind to me unlike what some people out there are no doubt, thinking. (:
On a lighter note, ill be going back to school for RIT tomorrow!
Might be working at night, depending on the situation, see how it goes.
Good night everyone, have a good sleep & sweet dreams!
Hope my rants didn't scare anyone lol (:
Recent updates
At Siloso Beach, Sentosa
Hi everyone!
If there's anyone that is lol.
I haven't updated my blog for so long.
I realized its really full of crap previously too, haha.
Apologies to anyone who saw my previous emo posts.
Anyway, the last time i updated was June.
I usually am pretty lazy to blog due to the lack of time & well, interesting things to blog about.
To me it's pretty pointless to blog about mundane, everyday events.
Well life hasn't been that great lately due to the countless assignments and projects, but its almost all over, which gives me great relief(:
But there's been some good parts as well.
Been spending my days resting at home, going out with friends & family sometimes & spending time with my boyfriend AKA angrybird as well. (:
Went out with angrybird today & yesterday!
We went to Siloso Beach yesterday, it was fun except for one thing (which I won't say here) and for the fact that I almost fainted in the toliet.
It was probably because I didn't eat anything.
I suddenly "almost blacked out" and I called angrybird to come in to the toliet and save me LOL but of course he couldn't, there were too many girls inside.
So i told him to get someone to come save me :( I couldn't even stand up by myself and yup, he got the cleaner which banged on the cubicle door, that I was in.
Thank God I could stand by then and made it out of the toliet safely, though I was extremely pale according to angrybird. He made me sit down for awhile and drink some sweet drink then held me while we walked to the beach.
We took quite a few pictures at the beach (all in his phone) and he told me to bury him in the sand and I sat there suntanning in my new bikni LOL while he built a sandcastle & stuck a (I don't know what. Branch? It was huge) into the "castle". It looked more like a turtle haha.
Something happened when we were on our way home & I followed angrybird to Changi Hospital before he sent me home.
Hope everything'll turn out alright...life is very fragile I guess and we should treasure our time spent with those we love.
We went to Marina Square to walk a little today & we spent most of our time walking round at Esplanade. We spent time near our favorite place, outside Marina Bay Sands, too. (:
Had a good time.
***
Haha "I deer you" baby!
Going out with yl & her friends tomorrow, most likely.
Hope it won't be awkward.
Alright, more updates to this dead blog soon!
Thanks for reading, if you even do lol.
Goodnight everyone(:
Labels: blogging, MBS, Sentosa, Time with boyfriend, Updates
Life's changes
Hi guys!
That's if anyone still reads this blog, that is. :X
Doesn't matter anyway, I just felt that I needed to "pen down my thoughts".
Today is the 24th of June, 2012.
And like the last time I blogged, everything has changed so much.
The 3 week holiday is over (and honestly it just was NOT long enough)
and school is reopening. ;(
Waking up early in the morning at like 6.00am for 8.00 classes?
Argh. I'd rather not.
But oh well, for the sake of a good future, I shall do it!
Perhaps I should tape some motivating posters on my wall.
To inspire myself. Ever since last november, I feel like I've lost my drive to really do well.
Which would probably explain the results, even though I've tried my best this term.
Maybe I chose the wrong course.
Sometimes I feel so upset that I can't even mug and work hard, God I wish I could.
But not going to talk too much about that, for I know now that not even on my blog, can too much of my personal life be revealed.
Honestly though if people are going to talk crap, suit yourselves, I couldn't give less of a damn.
Recently I've heard that some people who don't even know me personally seem to be judging me & how I might potentially behave.
And that's the main point of this post.
If you don't even know me, please do not make comments about my personal life you don't even know.
Sometimes I feel like even my closest friends don't understand me.
People say I've changed, that I now behave more "wildly" than last time and you guys imply that I don't take relationships seriously, that I'm rebellious and don't care about studying, etc.
How would you guys know anything if you don't know me?
I don't take relationships seriously?
Please don't be funny.
Just because a person has exes and stuff doesn't mean I'm playing with the feelings of others.
I would never and I still wouldn't.
I would just leave if I was unhappy.
And you don't know a thing about my love life and how many painful nights I've had.
So what, you may think.
I asked for it after all.
Yeah I did.
That's why I have only blamed myself ever for what happened.
Never once anyone else.
Even my own friends and family doubt me.
And I feel so sad that you people don't even understand your own friend, your own daughter.
If I had really changed that much, I would have stayed because there was so much too lose.
I lost not only a person but everything I had worked so hard for to achieve.
Being in dance meant everything to me.
All that effort I'd put in, not just in dance but with dance friends as well, just gone together with the choice I made.
Because I wasn't strong enough to face things then.
Yes, I regret that part.
But I would not have stayed just to avoid losing that.
Is it worth it?
To be disrespected & used & hurt just because you want to hold on to something that means the world to you?
The answer is no.
Because, I know what is best for me is to be with someone suitable for me,
who will make me a priority instead of me having to take a queue number in someone else's life.
That is all I have needed from a relationship.
And this is why.
I'm tired of being in relationships that make me feel like I'm taking a rollercoaster ride.
Up and down, up and down.
I need someone stable to keep me grounded.
Someone who I know will be here when I need him, who will not leave me alone when I'm heartbroken.
When I was heartbroken, were all my "friends" even here for me?
No.
And I don't blame you guys, because I know how much I changed.
From someone always hyper & happy around you guys to some emo person lol.
I understand.
But I see no point in trying to hold on to anything when, when you really need people, all you end up with is just yourself and a bottle of alcohol to help you cry your heart out then have a good sleep.
That's why whenever I see you guys again, I just can't summon up any happiness.
This is why I'd rather lose so much, because I know its nothing much to hold on to anyway.
I just want to thank my family and those few friends who have been here for me through my pain.
Mainly my family, I love you guys. I know I may be hot tempered and stuff, but thank you for putting up with me when I was really down.
And my boyfriend, thank you for being here for me when I need you, for making me important in your life and helping to heal my heart. Hopefully I've been a good girlfriend to you so far, its not been long I know and I can't promise you anything perfect because nothing is perfect in life, but i'll continue to try my best. Screw what others say, they're insignificant anyway, no? =*
Okayyy, enough of my emo-crapping.
Back to updating myself on work.
School! Sighs, good luck to myself on upcoming assignments and to everyone else as well!
No offence to anyone through this post, please don't assume its you I'm referring to if it isn't!
Bye!
April 11, 2012
Hi everyone! If anyone still reads this blog that is.
I haven't blogged for almost 4 months, if you don't count my first blog post in the beginning of the year.
Well, in 4 months a lot can happen.
I know people who are mean & don't understand will say that, ahh, she & her bf didn't work out again. Typical.
But oh well, if people are gonna say things like that without understanding what actually happened, i'm not going to care too much.
After all, if a person has been in any relationship before & took it seriously you'll realize maintaining it is not easy.
Even if one party wants to, the other party may not.
So this post is not to blame anyone or to talk about what happened because there's no point of talking about things that cannot be fixed.
Its not that i give up easily.
Maybe i do, but part of me has still not.
Its just that, i've become so accustomed to disappointment.
It still kills me but I'm learning to find other things to fill up my time with so I won't be moping round at home and shit.
It doesn't help anyway.
But the main point of this post is to dedicate it to someone very special(:
To my bestie:
I know you're feeling down & stuff, and you feel that people always disappoint you. That they always let you down, especially those you truly care about. I may not have felt what you felt & i probably will never understand it. But even though we have been disappointed by different people & i know that in a sense, you may have the right to feel even more down than me, and i know that i've made you upset before too:( I still want you to know that i will always be here for you as a friend, and if i haven't before, enough, i will from now on. (: You can always share your problems with me xD Even if one day you get a boyfriend & start to neglect me:P
Which i hope you won't (but even if you do i understand:D)
Never forget that there will always be people out there & around you that care for your well-being.
Maybe its just that sometimes we tend to focus too much on the bad sides of people, and not see their good sides.
Life is too short to be miserable because of circumstances we cannot change.
I know i'm the last person to be saying this but its the truth!
In life we must accept out circumstances if we can't change them.
Trust me, its much harder to think things will change & finally wake up when you realize they will not.
But i'll always be here for you:D And you must be strong & happy too, even if i'm not around!
(:
I'm sure you'll be able to, because we all know self-love & care is far more important than how people treat us.
The more people do not appreciate us & treat us well, the more we must love ourselves.
Plus to me & those who care for you, you're definitely worthy of other's approval & love(:
But remember, self-love!
Cheerup sweetie!
Wo ai ni :*
The end of 2011
Hello everyone!
Its finally the last day of 2011! woohoo.
Okay im like being lame again-.-
This year is ending on such a different note than how it started.
I feel like my entire life has changed in this year.
I've gotten to know so many awesome people & i love em' all(:
I've also gotten to work with many different people & though many times it hasn't been easy i'm really grateful for the experience too, knowing it will pay off in the future when i have to work with people i don't know.
Throughout the course of this year i have discovered many new things, about work, life & of course, people.
Never in my life have i interacted with some many different people on a daily basis.
(:
Its tiring, but i love it. Haha.
I really hope i'll do just fine this semester.
My POOR GPA OMG:(
I really gotta buck up man.
Or i'll just die if i don't get into university.
Okay maybe i won't die, but i'll be super disappointed.
>.<
Now its time to stop talking about work & talk about friends instead.
Like i said, i've really gotten to know many interesting people & i'm so grateful for that.
(:
You guys are the best! (:
Especially yl & my dance friends, i super love you guys. ~xoxo
As for my family, i really appreciate all you guys have done for me.
I know you will never get to read this...but i'm still gonna say it.
Mum & Dad, though you guys may be strict parents sometimes, i still love you(:
Because you guys are awesome in so many other ways, and we'll always be a tight family despite our differences. I know i can be super spoilt at times, i'm trying to change, really.
And of course, the last section of this post is dedicated to you.
Sweet uh. (;
I know you're not feeling well right now, take care & hope you'll get better in time for our date later haha. :(
Though we've only been together for a really short time i can see that you're a really good guy & i'm not gonna let you go despite my insecurities & what nots.
And even though i know i'm super different from her (which is a good thing i hope T.T) i'm certain that you like me cause of who i am.
Its still new to me but i'm slowly beginning to be able to see myself in this, with you. (:
I just hope i'll be good enough for you. :(
But either way i'm glad i'm ending the year with you & i'm sure we'll have a good time later. <3
I also want to thank all those people who have really tried to get me down, because its all thanks to you that i'm here today with awesome friends & someone that genuinely cares about me, by my side. (: So despite what you did, it didn't work. ._.
:P
Alright, im going to go off now.
Love y'all! (:
BYE 2011, WELCOME 2012! :D
My Name is Chuan Ying. I'm a 19 years-old girl who loves watching chinese dramas (not korean please), my soft toys/ plushies and hanging out with my favorite people in the world. I strongly believe that pasta is food for the soul and lying on a mat in the middle of a field with the one you love by your side on a sweet, windy night brings about x100000 (infinity) happiness to a person