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Letter to myself

A letter: From me to me.

Hi everyone! I read a classmate's blog the other day and she gave me a great idea of what to write on this blog (I ran out of ideas ages ago). So today I'll write a letter to myself, my 25 year-old self, and maybe I'll actually get the chance to read it 7 years down the road.

So here goes.

(A letter: From me to me.)

Dear Chuan Ying,

You're finally 25 years old. You've made it through the first two and a half parts of your life, childhood, being a teenager, and a small part of adulthood. You've made it so far, through all difficulties. You should reward yourself for that, for holding on.

I hope life's been kinder to you all these years, are you happy with your life and the way things have turned out? I hope so.

You're probably working a full time job by now, hopefully one that gives you financial stability.

Maybe you're even married too.

Are you still with Rahman? If you are, that's great. You've made it through almost 8 years, and you've finally gotten what you wished for. The road hasn't been easy for you or him, I'm glad you made it through. If not, have you found someone else, or are you single?

Doesn't matter which is it, as long as you're happy. Don't take things too hard, life will always move on, whether we want it to or not. Love yourself, take care of yourself.

I hope you've become a stronger person.

Are you still as soft-hearted as you were back in the day?

Perhaps you've changed.

But if you've made it this far, any change is probably for the better.

Hopefully you don't wring your heart out for love anymore, have learnt to take control of your own emotions and are not letting others/ anyone control them.

Do you love your job as much as you've always wanted to? Maybe you've found a job as an administrator, or maybe you're in business, or maybe you've become a writer or a journalist after all!

Either way, don't be too keen to earn too much money and neglect the most important things in life.

I doubt you will, but don't take a chance on those things.

Some things once gone, are hard to get back.

I'm sure you've learnt that over the years.

Has your health improved? I hope you haven't been eating more and more medicine over the years!

Take good care of your health, exercise much much more (unless you're already exercising lots) and be sure not to over exhaust yourself.

Take good care of your parents, you should after all the love they've given you all these years. If they're sick, take care of them, visit them often, if you're not staying with them. Be patient and caring.

Work hard, don't play too hard! Laziness comes with a price, and I'm sure you've realized that over the years too!

Never take life too hard, never let things tear you down too often. Take things easy as much as you can. Believe that you can. Life will never be easy, but it will be even harder if you let certain things mess you up too much.

Most importantly, never lose sight of who you are.

Make your goals every year-and keep to them.

Constantly remind yourself of them, work towards them.

Let yourself be strong.

Never let life tear you down and break you for too long.

Love others, but not too much that you no longer love yourself, remember that.

Remember to be young- in the sense of your heart.

Don't let your soul be so weary all the time, you're only 25!

Smile (:

Love,

Chuan Ying (The 18 year-old version)

❤ "Letter to myself" was Posted On: 1/08/2013 @9:25 PM | 0 lovely comments ✿

Ive lost everything...what more is there to lose.

❤ "" was Posted On: 1/02/2013 @7:34 PM | 0 lovely comments ✿

Im tired of living. So tired, yet i have no courage to die.
I wish i could live an empty existence...living like an empty shell...
I wish someone would give me drugs to make me drowsy day and night...not remember us..the memories...or you...just live meaninglessly at best...

What other option do i have left..i have no energy to be strong..

❤ "" was Posted @9:44 AM | 0 lovely comments ✿

Welcome 2013!

Welcome 2013!!!

The new year has finally arrived, bringing 2012 to an end. 2012 was one the toughest year in my life, I have to admit. Things have not been easy at all, despite what they seem.

In 2012, I cried the most amount of tears I've ever cried, learnt the most from people that I've ever learnt, but the most important lesson to me, that I learnt, is that we have to be strong to continue living life. Though my life may seem easy and smooth to most, and yeah it is in many areas, but it also isn't. Everyone has their tough areas to pull through in life, and I can't say that the tough times are over but I am making a promise now to make it through this year.

I won't say I'll make it through this life yet, there were so many times I felt like dying, not because I really wanted to die, but there are times people just get so tired of trying so hard to live on you know? When certain things just are too much for you to take, and you're so tired.

I'll say that I'll make it through this year, because a friend gave me a good piece of advice the other time we went out, and though I've heard it many times, this time was the only time it sank in.

She told me, "Everytime it gets hard, tell yourself, I'll try a bit harder. Just a bit harder. And then keep trying a bit harder, bit by bit, till you can't try anymore. Then give up."

This piece of advice has been very helpful. It saved me, and a relationship precious to me.

Thanks to that friend (:

I can't promise that 2013 will be a great year, but I will promise to persevere and make the best of it.

At the same time, I'd like to apologize to anyone I've offended in 2012. I'm sorry, and if its cause I didn't do my best in work, etc, I'm sorry too.

Whether you (people who hate me for it) believe it or not, I truly didn't mean it. My heart hasn't been in work (or anything in life basically), I admit because of how depressed about life I get, but I promise I'll get my shit together soon, and things like that.

Okay enough of this.

1. To learn how to be happy on my own, and to control my emotions better, not letting anyone control them.

2. To be happy with my boyfriend, because as much as I'd love to admit it doesn't affect me, the relationship affects my happiness. I'm dumb like that. (which is sad but i guess love is like that for some people. And its normal right? :o )

3. To improve in my studies. This should be no 1. actually but without no 1 and 2 I can forsee that no improving of my studies will come. To be more positive and to endure whatever obstacles I may face. To stop being so damn lazy. :x I should paste this resolution all over my room man.

4. To have better health. This is another one that takes the mark. Should be above 3 too, actually. My health has been awful this year, due to my weak immune system and other factors. (I'm currently taking five medicines that make me drowsy all day long, and a body checkup is on the way. :X) This affects my happiness and studies too, so it should actually be like...number 3? Hmmm.

5. To obtain a sexier, slimmer figure. This is a must. I'm too young to be walking about looking like some old couch-potato sack, with a boyfriend who's thinner than me. ._. And whiter, with skin that is much, much smoother. I'm still jealous. :@

6. To stop holing around at home and stop being a extremely unproductive person. I do that whenever I'm depressed, so I guess that ties in with no 1.

7. To start dancing again. (I can't stress more on how NOT dancing has affected and kindof ruined my life in many ways. It caused me to gain a lot more weight and lose my good figure, plus it also destroyed my social life in many ways. Though I learnt alot from that, I'd still want to start dancing again, somehow.)

8. To be a much better, happier, stronger person as compared to last year.

Thats about it!

Good luck to everyone for their own new year resolutions(:

❤ "Welcome 2013!" was Posted On: 1/01/2013 @9:27 AM | 0 lovely comments ✿

Its time to grow up

Hello blog!
I'm just bored from stoning at my com, so taking a short break by updating this dead blog.
Had some thoughts just now, just thought I should summarize them here.

I was thinking about something I usually don't take time to consider:

We go from baby/toddlerhood

To childhood

To becoming a teenager...

Then an young adult, a middle-aged adult, and so on.

Many people think that we start "growing up" when we're teenagers, but in my opinion, we don't.
To me, people realize the bitterness of many of life's aspects when they're teenagers. That's different from growing up. Growing up means you realize life's bitterness, accept it, or form your own view on it and how you're going to live it.

It hardly means complaining about it all the time to anyone who will hear you out, whenever you want.
Decision-making perhaps is a big part of this whole growing up thing, which I think, is something that no matter how old i am, i will never get right. I know i'll never get all the right decisions no matter how old I am, or how much of life I've gone through.

Maybe the "right" decisions are determined by us too, our opinion on what's right and what's wrong.
I think that's the reason why we judge other people (talking about a person's philosophy of life) and say things like, this person is doing the wrong thing by living his/her's life in a certain way.

People grow up when they learn to accept their own philosophies of life-what they determine life to be and see it as, and when they learn to cope with life-and the baggage that comes with it, be it the judgmental eyes of others who disapprove them or their own feelings of guilt for living their life a certain way they want. Of course, part of the process means learning responsibility, which is one aspect that most people will find very difficult (myself included, unfortunately).

Maybe sometimes we also need the strength from ourselves and others, or even from the many bitter experiences of life, even if they hurt us or scar us, to make our lives whole in every aspect so we can live them the way we rightfully deserve and should.

I hope one day I will reach that stage of growing up. That stage that I will look at my life, and be proud of how far I've come no matter how weary my soul is, how tired I am. All that will be worth it as I would be proud to tell myself that I've not just survived life barely, but I've lived it to my own best ability, in little to no comparison with others.

I pray, with all patience and endurance in my heart, that that day will come. (:

❤ "Its time to grow up" was Posted On: 12/30/2012 @5:10 PM | 0 lovely comments ✿

Confession night

This post is dedicated to you.
Haha, i know i don't spill my feelings out here often anymore, but i think there's a need tonight to.

"True love would always find a way to understand pain". I have never understood this statement in my life. Never ever. I know those who know me may think i do, since i've supposedly liked a certain person a lot before (which is long over.). But honestly, i did not.

Every person i met before you, was never a person who cared for me.
Never.
I had no idea what a person who truly loved me and not for any other reasons would be like.
I thought they cared, but really, they did not.
Therefore i wasted lots of time.

But tonight i feel a need to emphasize on that statement.
Indeed, true love will find ways to understand pain.
Its like when we were first together, and you told me, you gave in to me in many arguments because you love me.
Which you did, i appreciate that.
Now i understand.
Because even when you make me angry or hurt, i find myself trying my hardest to forget things.
I want things to be okay again, i choose to think of the good things you've done for me instead of the bad. Yes what happened may still hurt but over time i forgive you, and you likewise.

Misunderstandings and arguments are bound to occur to any person, especially a couple.
I and you have been upset & hurt by these things, but i hope that you have not lost faith in us and in me.

I know i rarely say mushy things to you & post on your wall, but this post is different.

I won't lose faith in us even if my heart is hurt or yours is, i will remind myself to keep the faith because of these few reasons:

1. Because i love you
2. Because you're special

Now there any many special people out there. But you're different to me.

Because you:

1. Walk around with me in soft toy & hello kitty shops when i ask you to.
2. Sing the baobao song.
3. View me as important & care for me. (:

Not lying.
Hope we both won't stay too upset any longer, you and i both know certain things are not worth walking away from.

Sleep tight, fluffy.

❤ "Confession night" was Posted On: 11/18/2012 @2:02 AM | 0 lovely comments ✿

I can't fight alone.

Fight for you, I have.

Trying to make things work, I am.

I'm hurt from everything that you said, everything that happened.

Yet I still can't forget the good things you've done for me.

You were so good to me, better than anyone.

Keep asking myself, did i do something wrong?

What happened?

I always blame myself to a certain extent at least.

I still love you and I'm trying to save our relationship.

You used to not just be my boyfriend, you were my best friend, the person i could rely on whenever I got upset, hurt.

What happened to us?

You've done alot of things for me before...but no longer.

I'm not being unappreciative, but i need to tell you the truth.

You still mean everything to me but do I still mean everything to you?

For wanting to see you too much I'm sorry.

I'm trying to get used to this sudden change- in you too.

I understand we all need space, but I need you too.

It hurts you know?

That day I told you i couldn't rely on you much anymore, it didn't seem to bother you much.

I don't know, really, I can't guess.

I can't only be here when you want me to, you said you're trying but I can't feel that too much...

I know I'm trying. Trying doesn't mean avoiding arguments even if we're hurt inside, it means working them out together.

I want nothing more than to work things out with you so we can be happy again.

I've done alot too, all I want is to know my love is wasted and that you still care.

I need to know if you do- by actions too.

I don't want arguments anymore- but I need the truth about how you feel, or if this is the truth, I want to believe it..

I miss us, do you?

❤ "I can't fight alone." was Posted On: 10/05/2012 @3:08 PM | 0 lovely comments ✿

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